A Beast in Our Midst
by ephieshine
Summary: "He's right," Mike growls. "It stinks, Erwin. There's a beast in our midst." (Basically, the 104th kids have never seen a cat before.) Or: In which I turn a simple prompt about a stray cat into crack, bottom!Erwin, and damaged goods. Crack-fic, fluff, and a bit of smut.


"What was that thing?" Jean demands, nursing a badly-scratched arm.

"It's some sort of monster," says Mikasa darkly, brandishing a broomstick.

"Look at its belly! It's round like a Titan's!" Connie gasps, jabbing an accusing finger at the hissing shadow behind the bales of hay.

"Don't be stupid, you Egghead—animals can't be turned into Titans," Ymir snaps, then hesitates. "Can they?"

"Titans! Where?" shrieks Eren, pupils dilated.

"Everyone, calm down," Marco pleads.

"Did he forget his meds again?" Krista asks Mikasa worriedly, who shrugs.

"Guys," Sasha says, scratching her head. "It's just a cat. We had plenty of those in my hometown."

Ten pairs of eyes swivel toward her.

"A cat?" Armin repeats. "That looked nothing like a caterpillar, Sasha."

..

Here's how it started.

Jean had gotten up early—not by his own choice, he should add, but because Eren had been snoring—and headed to the stables to find peace and quiet before morning training. There, he'd heard rustling in a stall that was supposed to be empty, and with a smirk on his face he'd opened the door, fully prepared to send a mortified naked couple scrambling for their clothes.

Instead—

It was a black demon, hissing and spitting at him, a line of sharp teeth bared. Its body was misshapen, elongated legs and impossibly-arched back, a protruding belly like some sort of nightmare. And—oh, its eyes were the colour of bile, a yellow-green hue that spoke of death.

Jean had frozen in his tracks, horrified, and the demon had attacked, scratching and clawing at his arms before he'd managed to slam the door closed again, trapping the monstrous thing.

As he'd stumbled away from the door, gasping, he'd heard footsteps from the courtyard outside, approaching the stables.

"Mikasa!" Jean had cried, both in horror and relief. Horror because, well, he was two seconds away from pissing his pants and he was certain that wasn't something girls found attractive; relief because Mikasa was one of the strongest soldiers and Jean wasn't sure if he could live it down if anyone else could take that thing on and he couldn't.

"What happened?" she had asked immediately, eyes hard and ready for battle.

"This—thing in the stables! It attacked me!"

Mikasa grabbed the broom resting against the wall, and Jean had watched anxiously as she'd pushed the door open gingerly.

Moments later, she'd come back out hastily, without a scratch on that flawless skin of hers (not that Jean had noticed or anything) but looking visibly shaken.

"Get the others," she'd choked out, her fingers tightening around the broom. "I'll stand guard here."

"But—!"

"Go!" she'd yelled. "And if I don't make it, protect Eren in my stead!"

And that's how all the members of the 104th Trainees Squad who had entered the Survey Corps had ended up huddled around the stall in the stables, paralyzed with fear. Eventually, Armin suggested informing the Commander.

..

"Commander, sir," Jean gasps, saluting hastily. "And Squad Leader, sir!"

"At ease," Erwin says. "What is it, Kirschstein?"

"Sir, there's a—a thing in the stables and it's absolutely crazy—it scratched me up here, you see? Sasha says it's a cat, whatever that means, but—"

Erwin raises a hand, and Mike nods, tilting his head back, eyes closed, and sniffs the air. When he opens his eyes again, his nostrils flare and there's a dark look in his eyes.

"He's right," Mike growls. "It stinks, Erwin. There's a beast in our midst."

Erwin's eyes narrow. "Very well. Mike, are you prepared to offer up your heart?"

Mike grunts, hands on the hilts of his blades. "Wouldn't be here if I wasn't."

..

That fateful day, the Survey Corps learned that Squad Leader Mike Zacharius had vocal cords that could procure a screech shriller than that of a young child confronted with a tarantula.

..

"Where is it?" Hanji's scream can be heard all the way down the mess hall. They turn the corner, skidding to a stop, glasses gleaming. "Once we capture it… I call dibs on access to it!"

"Good, we've got back-up at least," Erwin says grimly to a quaking Mike. He places a hand on the other man's shoulder. "Mike, I need you to tell me where it went. But take your time—I understand if it's hard to talk about it."

"Th-There," Mike stammers, pointing down the corridor with a shaking hand before he collapses to his knees. Erwin follows the direction Mike had pointed, HQ's blueprints in his mind's eye…

"But there's nothing down that way except—"

Simultaneous looks of horror spread across Erwin and Hanji's faces.

"—the laundry room," Mike wheezes from the ground.

"Erwin," Hanji tries to comfort him. "If there's anyone who can face that monster, it's him."

"Levi," Erwin breathes. "Hang in there until we get there."

..

Erwin and Hanji arm themselves, making sure their blades are sharpened before approaching the laundry room.

"There doesn't seem to be any sound," Hanji hisses, ear pressed against the door to the laundry room.

"Do you think Levi got out before it—"

"We have to take it down either way," Hanji interrupts, a grim look in their eyes. "Don't let your emotions get in the way of this, Erwin."

Erwin swallows, then nods to Hanji.

They open the door.

"It's on his head!" Hanji screams, and their blades freeze in midair.

It's crafty, Erwin thinks to himself in dread, forcing us to attack Levi if we want to get to it.

The dark figure sitting on Levi's shoulders hisses and arches its back when it hears Hanji's voice, then emits a terrible yowling noise.

"Shh!" comes Levi's voice, stern, and the thing—the cat—quietens. "Calm down, they're not here to hurt you."

Erwin and Hanji watch in terrified fascination as Levi reaches up and strokes the animal's head; the noise coming from Levi's lips can only be described as cooing. Its ears flatten, and its hunched figure relaxes.

Levi turns around and blinks. "The fuck are you two doing with knives?"

Erwin coughs. "We were… coming to save you?"

..

The cat gives birth to a litter of four healthy mewling kittens ranging from light gray to black on a rainy afternoon.

The cadets slowly begin to love the kittens, who in turn seem to think of Levi as the patriarch of the cat family. It's hard these days to see the Captain without at least two or three kittens stumbling along in his wake.

Indeed, they follow him even into the bedroom. Levi insists on having the new family stay in the room he and Erwin share, and Erwin reluctantly agrees. Levi had miraculously trained the cat to bring her litter outside to defecate and urinate within days; there shouldn't be much of an issue beyond that, he thinks.

It's not until he and Levi have time to themselves that he realizes how wrong he was.

"They're watching us," Erwin whispers as Levi slips an oil-slicked finger inside him. He swears on the Walls they're glaring at him, and he feels vulnerable in this state of undress, especially with his ass arched up in the air for Levi.

Levi scoffs, and slaps Erwin's ass lightly with his other hand. "You're being paranoid. Being commander's really getting to you, huh, old man?"

"They hate me," Erwin continues mournfully. "They want you all to themselves."

"Oh my god, focus on this, won't you?"

It continues like that for a while with Erwin growing increasingly uncomfortable—in the supposed privacy of his own room, no less!—until one day Levi complains of a migraine, and so naturally, Erwin volunteers to be on top.

Here's the thing: Erwin's thighs are nothing if not strong, and when he's riding Levi like the Captain's the last horse out of a Titan-infested forest—well, who can blame Levi for making a noise like he's dying when he comes inside that glorious ass?

…Apparently, his adopted cat, who takes this to be an assault on her master, and yowls as she scratches Erwin's bare bottom with sharp claws—not just once, but twice. Erwin emits a pitiful noise—one that Levi initially responds to with a slap of his thigh and a slurred growl of "Yeah, you like that shit, you dirty boy?"—and it takes them several long seconds to both figure out that there's blood running down Erwin's thigh and a hissing cat in their bed.

..

At least something good comes out of this traumatic incident: damaging Erwin's ass is the end of the line for Levi, and the cat and her litter are promptly evicted from the room Erwin shares with Levi.

(Eventually, the cat and her litter find a warm home abundant in food in the cellar. The kitchen staff at least, are elated to find they hunt rats. The cadets who find eviscerated remains of rodents, not so much.)

... _fin._

* * *

yeee this is officially the dumbest thing i've written. come find me on tumblr (url: ephieshine) for more dumbness.


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